I am Me
September 18, 2009You made me realize what I want
It is you who made me acknowledge the world we call ours
The world where we can be us and only us alone
Be ourselves with no worries of condemnation
Our life has been full of denials and ifs
Quoted as full of idiosyncrasy and pretentions,
Considered as odd and unusual
So I hold back and wear a mask to veil
I feared it and long have I fought the battle inside
Battle cry with flags waved for self acceptance against denials
It was scary but you made it easy
You pacify the guilt of feeling odd
You let me feel I am no sick but just special
Life with you never makes me feel less of a person
So comforting that I can be what I want to be
Having you I am no longer compelled to be someone else but me
And I thank you for making me feel I am so free
Sorry and I love you
June 15, 2009I was doing one of my design projects in school which is due the afternoon of the following day. This is just one of the exhausting moments of a B.S. Architecture student meeting deadlines. It was a long tormenting night of no sleep and hard work. It was both physically and mentally demanding and strenuous. In short it is a backbreaking nights of school.
It was 5am early morning when most of my siblings where awake and went straight to their routine preparing for school some at work. My parents were the ones preparing breakfast. I don’t usually eat in the morning that’s why I did not join them and continue working on my project. My family already knows my style, “Thou shall not disturb Chester at any cost”. As usual all that is in my mind is to get the project done. I am one of the students who are grade conscious. I was maintaining a scholarship that’s why my greatest fear is failure in everything I do, and failure for me is not just being below average but achieving less of my expectation and what others anticipate of me.
Around 8am it was only me and my mom left in the house. She was cleaning the kitchen and I yeah right still in my drafting table struggling to finish all the renderings of the complex. I am almost done around 10 am enough for me to stretch out a bit and grabbed my Leroy lettering guide for the finishing touches of my design. I was too careful and too attentive to the details of the presentation.
My drafting table is just adjacent to the dining area where my mom is still fixing all the mess telling me to rest for a while and eat. I did not pay attention to her instead continue on the project which is almost done. All of a sudden I heard “bloggggggg……………. and………….sorry”
I went to school regretting what I have done. There is a certain point in the event that I felt anger but when I came back to my senses I was really ashamed. In as much I want to express how sorry I was, all I know the damage has been done. Guilt overruled my emotion.
What tears my heart even more is to know that mom went to her friend crying and confessed how sorry she was for what just happened. How even sorry she was for not being more than she could possibly be as a mother. She aired how painful it is not able to provide her children with what they need.
Days pass by my eldest sister’s boyfriend visited our house and spent a night with us. Her boyfriend is not from our town that’s why he usually sleeps in the house during his visits to see my sister. Coming from a religious family, my father is not in favor of the situation. One day my father called the attention of the boyfriend and confronted about his plans and intentions. He is a typical father who wants to ensure the life of her daughter. After a week my sister came to me with a teary eye broken hearted. That bastard!!! That guy is not man enough to face reality.
One family gathering, all of us were there except for my eldest sister. I can’t remember what particular event which turned that gathering into a family-drama revelation. My older brother confessed with a teary eye how sorry he was not to help my parents financially. Even how he wanted to extend help he just can’t. He was married emmidiately after he graduated from college blessed now with three kids. He was stating an instance where he emotionally hurt my mother through his action and that very day he asked for forgiveness from her.
My elder sister in the spot light! He knows that my sister is somehow upset of the confrontation that is why my father brought up the issue; though she was not present. Since my sister told me her side so I was playing speaker of the house that time. My being speaker turned everything into a waterfall- pouring scenario. Instead hers, it was my biggest guilt unleashed. My father started telling me how painful it was for a parent not to provide his children with what they need. How insulting it was that somebody else is paying their education because he just can’t. But never equally painful when I said it in front of my mother’s face.
I was totally ashamed of being reminded of what I have done. I was looking at my father saying it with tears pouring from his eyes full of disappointment. That is one of the very rare moments that we see him like that. Beside him standing is mom who said she has forgiven me even before the conversation started. She is also crying. But maybe I have not forgiven my self. I can’t even move my lips to say something. I can’t even embrace mom to tell her how sorry I was. I was so sorry seeing the eye of a proud parent transformed into eyes of dismay. I cried and at last found courage to say the word that I should have said after mom accidentally hit my things and unintentionally destroy them. At last I was able to speak out the word that I should have said immediately after I told her “you can’t value these things because you are not the one who bought it for me it is through my scholarship”.
I know I sinned but I learned!
Through this experience I was able to discover what I truly want. I know what makes me happy. It is seeing my parents being truly proud of me. It is also seeing them happy of what I am doing with my life. With that, I continually soar high fulfilling all their unachieved dreams. I am honored and grateful to be one of the heirs fulfilling this quest.
I once fell down, who did not? What is important is I am slowly putting the pieces back: admitted things that must be admitted and said the words that must be said.
Once again I am sorry for all my short comings and I love you ma and pa.
By: Chester
Remind me..
June 11, 2009Has anyone of you pondered on what matters most to you? Or question whether what you’re doing now is what you really want? Maybe you think I don’t make sense, ok then try this:
We work abroad for our parents, family, and love ones. We want to secure everyone’s future. It’s our way of showing our love and performing our responsibilities. So as a substitute to our physical gesture of love like kissing, hugging, caressing, tapping, and the importance of our presence when they need us, we send them our monthly allocation. We think that makes them happy and that’s what they need. What if it is not what they truly want from you??? Like for instance our parents are not getting any younger and we set aside being with them because we think working abroad is just temporary. We want to earn first before coming back in preparation for the “they live happily ever after”. What if before that time comes it was too late? You are already deprived of the chance seeing your parents again. You are too late to give them the life you have been working for. Then a friend of you will tell you in your parents wake they have longed to see you because that is what they truly want.
Hahay…. hirap din noh, I don’t know if you guys have processed all issues in your voyage away from home. Maybe I am just reminding myself and also you guys of our true reason why we are away. Reconsider this: Initially just for six months, then extended for 1 year, it became 2, 3, and 4 years and it became forever. Unconsciously we started to enjoy the money we are earning and get used to the life we are in. Eventually our lifestyle now becomes our standard of life. And the kind of life we had in our mind before has been replaced by the life we have been having abroad.
By: Chester
A DOt
December 9, 2008
An innocent young boy was asked to look at a piece of black board. He sees nothing but hundreds of small dots all over it. He wondered what his master is up to. The boy was certain it’s a mystery to decode, but as to what specific nature that he doesn’t know! He is then puzzled what is on the board…and on the dots…
Everyone aims for the best, life can offer. When one wants it he plans it. He strategically lay down his different options of paths to take. He anticipates all that could possibly happen. All his heart sees are good which gives him hope. Hope that develops his faith. Faith hardens his physique to start his primary pace. When he starts his walk through it, he realizes it isn’t a straight path but a long winding trail he’s taking. It is a path of uncertainties. It is a path full of small steps to take. He isn’t allowed to take a long leap to advance but to step on them one by one. The option he has is to move quickly, slowly or not to further at all. Some of the steps weaken him. Others are steps of persuasion and only few are bits of success. His thirst for the latter tempts him to stay. Fear started to grow within him. Fear of failing and never had a chance of embracing it again. He settled for these bits of success, and begins to doubt what his heart ones desired. He doubts what he is still capable of achieving. He becomes contented. And soon he’s ultimate goal will be part of history once aimed.
Nobody is certain what lies ahead. It may be scary or a promising future that awaits him. Like dots he chooses one among others. Others can hardly see the one he chooses but an eye hooked and focused never loses his vision on it. He was not sure what his dot offers him in the end. But it gives him direction. In his journey he takes a detour like line connecting one dot from the other. It was not planned. He took it for ease and comfort. He then goes on circles never a single step ahead. He was wasted. He screwed up. He feared moving on. He loses his sight of the dot he owned. And never regain clear vision of the road he is taking. Then he started to shout he was lost!!!by: Chester Lelis
MANANG PHENOMENON
December 1, 2008I have been in Palau for more than a year now. I have met different people. People from different background, lifestyle having diverse perspective of life. These are people who shared common objective upon coming to a foreign land. The objective that is drawn about by financial difficulties and of extreme need. I was able to be touched by their stories of success, struggles and failures. I get to learn from the mistakes of others than having to learn it the hard way which is experiencing it yourself.
I am an architect by profession. Whether I like or not I get to mingle with my clients who are usually well-off and are blessed with good education. In the contrary I get to work with these construction workers who are unfortunate of what these clients are being blessed of. But both have their own learning stories to tell.
I would like to share a particular story of one of the construction workers I get to work with. Here is the thing. “the manangs trend”. Manang is how these girl friends or female partners are being addressed. Manong for guys. When I said most of them I was referring to these construction workers who are housed in one housing unit. This housing unit has doubled-number of residents during offs and after work. This is where and when Adam and eve start to do their thing defining their illegitimate definition of love.
Arnel is a skilled mason construction worker (not his real name). He is forty three years old. He is a funny and lively man. He has a wife and has six children back in the Philippines. The eldest is sixteen and the youngest is one year old. Knowing him, He considers his family as the only source of strength, to endure hardship and continuously win over emotional anguish. He has been here almost a year now. I can still remember during one of my conversations with him and his co workers six months ago, when manang issue was brought up. I was really amazed and was really convinced by their determination in withstanding human weakness. They have stood firm over the tendencies of submitting to temptation of desire and lust, brought about by loneliness and boredom. One of them said “Sir we are only paid this much not even enough for my family and so we can’t afford to take a single penny for a manang”. “For five months I was able to live without it and I don’t have any plans to have one” Arnel added with sarcasm. For me that was brave. And I just smiled at them taking their statement with a salute and admiration. Those workers with manang did not utter a single word about the topic. I do believe during that conversation I knew these people got to establish who are good and bad guys among them and what act is acceptable and what’s not.
I have two close friends in their group. I have been having conversations with them often times during their visit in my place. They tell me the improvements in the construction site, share about their lives, their family situation, kids stuff and most of all how the atmosphere in their work and housing in Palau has changed lately. Almost all of them have been slowly eaten by the terror of the manang phenomenon. If before those who have manang are somehow out casted now it’s the opposite. Having one boost ones manhood! One is not “in” if he doesn’t have and even sexuality is put to question if you continually resist!
Until one Sunday of October, when I and my two closest workers were watching Basket ball game at Palau gym I saw Arnel with his forty one years old manang. My friends began talking about them. I kept my silence and just listen intently to them though my eyes were hooked on the game. I found out that Arnel has eaten his bravery since three months ago. By then he has been faced with so much debt and his manang takes most if not all of his salary. I was not really that surprised seeing them after knowing the trend. What surprised me is knowing that he has not sent any support for his family when he started having an affair. His wife has called to ask if his has been okay. She just showed her innocence through her concern. His eldest daughter has been crying airing their family’s situation. They starved and are now faced with too much debt expecting a support from their overseas father. And all they heard from him “ sorry, tiis muna kayo gipit lang ako”.
I was really speechless upon hearing it. The idea keeps playing in my head and it’s consuming me. All I can ask is how? Maybe it started from co-workers pressure. Or it was just a game in the start? Or was it just a proof of his imperfection? Was it just an explanation of mans inseparable nature to sex and sin? Whatever it is one thing is for sure, another husband/father is about to put a family to an end. Poor innocent wife. He has just abandoned his six innocent children who are up to this moment looks up to him as a good father and as a hero. Even my two close friends were concern thinking how they can make Arnel realize his situation. Indeed it’s his personal life but the moral obligation haunts my friends to do something to save the family. The terror of manang phenomenon is evident to him: Resistance to confrontation, uncontrollable debt and family abandonment.
Arnel is just one of them. There are numerous of them slowly abandoning their primary objective of working overseas. There are numerous of them being blinded by temporary earthly satisfaction brought about by Manang Phenomenon. There are numerous of them who use loneliness as an alibi of his lust and covetousness to physical satisfaction. Some consider Palau a temptation island. A perfect place where ones principle is shook and tested. But what is for real, regardless of what place you are in temptation lives within us. It is how you keep on winning your battle on resisting it and consistently drawing a line between black and white.
I have nothing against having manang, If and only if you’re single. But for a family man with kids and obligations that’s a big NO NO. I can only do so little and by sharing you this I think I will touch a part of you and be sympathetic to the true victims of this phenomenon. Married man; don’t ever slip in the trap of manang attraction and enter in the territory of lust and naives. Stop the “let’s see if I still have it”… It is not how many manang flirting you back when you flirts that measures ones manliness. Being in this territory is never an opportunity but a temptation. Manliness is measured by how you consistently live with your principles and your obligations.
All I ask is Time
June 19, 2008
“A sick young boy has been bedridden for a couple months. Mom never had time with his kid for a very complex reasons, she’s busy, busy and busy! Until one instance the boy got to talk to his mom and said mom will you lend me money? Just a hundred dollar. He’s mom went hysterical and said we don’t have money left. Stop it I am busy for this. Then the child insisted and said I just want to buy an hour of your time mom.”(From an article I read long ago)
Parents now a day have been so preoccupied on how they will earn. And sometimes forget to spend time with their children. How would one react if you will hear that from your kid “ma/pa I just want to buy an hour of your time”? He isn’t asking for a day, he only settled for an hour. Perhaps the boy may see the mother or father often times but never had quality time with them. Kids are observant about it. Parents may talk to their children maybe just because they need to and not because they love to. Preoccupation will always show up. You’re may be physically visible but still thinking of something else. Sometimes parent’s got to confuse the importance of material support over emotion. How would you handle it if your kid will say “I don’t need that I just need you mom”? Difficult isn’t it. How much more if you’re an overseas mother?
We always see the need of going out of the country for a better life. Mother’s set aside emotional discomfort with their children. Some may have thought about it. Others may say all they need is time. This whole thing is not forever. They just need to earn for their children’s future. And make up to them later.
I am a bare witness of some mother’s struggle abroad. They struggle not just about work but of emotional distress being far from their loved ones specially their children. I got a chance to be a friend to a working mother who has been so emotional when watching movies about families. Those who have been counting the days left when to be with their children again. Also those who want to give up with their work and go home. These are mothers who acquire their strength from their children. The working mothers who restlessly spent nights thinking back home. These are same mothers who can hardly buy something for themselves without thinking if their children have something new. The same mothers who feel guilty of living their children even for good intention. These are mothers who make up with their children even through phone calls. These are also the mothers being accused that they chose luxurious life over their children. The mothers who live with fear that upon going back home their suffering went out for nothing seeing their kids with no direction in life. Fear that they are the ones to be blame.
Sometimes we feel the unfairness of life. There are those mothers who are blessed to be with their children and spent no time with them yet appeared good because they stay. Those overseas mothers who want nothing but to be with their children get accused. Even how good is the intention things don’t go the way we want them to flow. Even the best acclaimed Mothers receive negative feedbacks. Sometimes mothers and children were just victims by how the society dictates us on how to react on situations. Too much of those movies portraying parents abroad and children end up miserable. This may be a possibility. But have we forgotten that there are also children who appreciate their mother’s sufferings? Who would want to be far from what you consider your life? NO mother will ever leave her children for nothing…
By: Chesnut
A Contracted Love Affair
June 18, 2008 Love has always been one of the catalysts influencing one’s perception of life. This becomes a basis when one answers I’m happy or sad if ask how’s life. The answer depends on what kind of relationship he had or is having. But how do those people see life; those involved in a contracted love affair? For those who knew that the affair is wrong from the start. Those who have accepted that the relationship is going nowhere yet risked. 
One may reason loneliness as a premise to his vulnerability to temptation. Indeed life abroad is not easy. Always confronted with the destructive feeling of isolation. Is it a scapegoat to involve in this kind of an affair? Even how rational these contracting lovers in making things clear between them they are always those who stay with hope. There are anticipations that one day their partner will choose them over the other. That’s where competition begins. What’s lacking with the real one will be given by the other. This in turn results to confusions and doubts. One may fall and worst leave the real one behind.
There are also instances where the guy stays committed to real one yet claims his love to the other one. Is he just confused or just being conceited? This is the painful event of the loving “kept-lover”. Better left hanging than left behind! Sometimes what the guy wants is just the reflection of his girl found in his “kept-lover”. Only loving the beautiful image found in her. Or the worst he is just making the ”kept-lover” his girl for the meantime.
“kept lovers” why allow it? Is it because no one has loved you the way he did or just because it was not an intention to fall, and you found yourself with no choice? They maybe are victims in this situation. Or they are just reaping the price of their stupid decision? A conspiracy ending up deceiving themselves that they are indeed victims. The situation becomes even harder when the guy needs to leave for good or the real girl comes along. What is then the setup? Waiting for spare moments of the guy? And being fooled with the gifts the guy gives, even it’s just a perfect alibi to satisfy his conscience? And convince himself he’s being fair?
Lovers will always have their own personal reasons why end up and stay with a contracted affair. The so-called time framed love story. A relationship brought about by lonesome lifestyle abroad. Or may it be a past time while the original is out, or a supplemental substitute of a real partner. Who are those who crave for it and those who risks? Who suffers the most those with original partners who confuse friendship with love? Those who allow being ”kept-lovers” and get left behind? Or the innocent legal one who are fooled?
Indeed life is perceived never been fair.
By: Chesnut
Friendship in a Lover’s Perspective
June 17, 2008 Man will never live without associating himself to a group or to someone. Often than not we cling to somebody for refuge and acceptance. We always wanted to have a buddy to whom we can share our insights, and voice out our in-depth thoughts which has been long kept for some personal reasons. This maybe brought about solely by fear of rejection. At any circumstances no one can live alone. That’s why we have friends and we continuously become a friend to someone. But what if one falls for the other? But the other remains to be a friend. Which is harder the one who is in love and hides, or the one who knows that her friend is in love with him but ignores it to continue the friendship? Both are painful scenarios. She might end up treating the friendship as a battle rather than something comforting. Some says she doesn’t have a choice, but the truth is she has. She can probably live and put an end to the battle she is in. But often she opt to stay for friendship sake notwithstanding the prolonged agony seeing her friend with someone else and continuously savoring the pain hearing beautiful stories about different girl. The only price she gets is when her friend confesses problems that he doesn’t open up to anybody else. Happiness brought by sense of trustworthiness. This is the fulfillment she gets from convincing herself that she is a true friend. Is the man that insensitive not to feel it? Man knows. He feels it. But some tries to convince their sub-sub-conscious that it isn’t true. This denial allows him to continually be a friend and stay. Others may live and forget about friendship for some time. Because they can’t stand still seeing her friend suffers knowing that he is the reason. It is also difficult for a man not to feel the same way to her friend. He might feel sorry but will never use pity to love her in return. He may know how painful it is for her friend when he tells story about her girl friend. He feels the pain when sometimes he stops when the moment gets intimate between them. Why continuously confess problems about his heartache when he knows her friend is hurt? That he knows that every word he utters tears his friends heart. Maybe because that’s what everyone sees how friendship works. You have somebody to talk with, someone to cry with and someone who you trust. Without these they might feel like there’s a cold war going on… What is righteous then, staying or living your friend behind? This is always true to friends. And some may have experienced both. Loving your friend and not loved in return. Ignoring, hurting and staying. We always have unique perspective of friendship and as we go along with our lives we get to meet people whom we consider to be our friends and only those true friends get to stay: those who believe in openness, communication and trustworthiness regardless of the existence of forbidden love. By: chesnut 
