Sorry and I love you

June 15, 2009

I was doing one of my design projects in school which is due the afternoon of the following day. This is just one of the exhausting moments of a B.S. Architecture student meeting deadlines. It was a long tormenting night of no sleep and hard work. It was both physically and mentally demanding and strenuous. In short it is a backbreaking nights of school.

 

It was 5am early morning when most of my siblings where awake and went straight to their routine preparing for school some at work. My parents were the ones preparing breakfast. I don’t usually eat in the morning that’s why I did not join them and continue working on my project. My family already knows my style, “Thou shall not disturb Chester at any cost”. As usual all that is in my mind is to get the project done. I am one of the students who are grade conscious. I was maintaining a scholarship that’s why my greatest fear is failure in everything I do, and failure for me is not just being below average but achieving less of my expectation and what others anticipate of me.

 

Around 8am it was only me and my mom left in the house. She was cleaning the kitchen and I yeah right still in my drafting table struggling to finish all the renderings of the complex. I am almost done around 10 am enough for me to stretch out a bit and grabbed my Leroy lettering guide for the finishing touches of my design. I was too careful and too attentive to the details of the presentation.

 

My drafting table is just adjacent to the dining area where my mom is still fixing all the mess telling me to rest for a while and eat. I did not pay attention to her instead continue on the project which is almost done. All of a sudden I heard “bloggggggg……………. and………….sorry”

 

I went to school regretting what I have done. There is a certain point in the event that I felt anger but when I came back to my senses I was really ashamed. In as much I want to express how sorry I was, all I know the damage has been done. Guilt overruled my emotion.

 

What tears my heart even more is to know that mom went to her friend crying and confessed how sorry she was for what just happened. How even sorry she was for not being more than she could possibly be as a mother. She aired how painful it is not able to provide her children with what they need.

 

Days pass by my eldest sister’s boyfriend visited our house and spent a night with us. Her boyfriend is not from our town that’s why he usually sleeps in the house during his visits to see my sister. Coming from a religious family, my father is not in favor of the situation. One day my father called the attention of the boyfriend and confronted about his plans and intentions. He is a typical father who wants to ensure the life of her daughter. After a week my sister came to me with a teary eye broken hearted. That bastard!!! That guy is not man enough to face reality.

 

One family gathering, all of us were there except for my eldest sister. I can’t remember what particular event which turned that gathering into a family-drama revelation. My older brother confessed with a teary eye how sorry he was not to help my parents financially. Even how he wanted to extend help he just can’t. He was married emmidiately after he graduated from college blessed now with three kids. He was stating an instance where he emotionally hurt my mother through his action and that very day he asked for forgiveness from her.

 

My elder sister in the spot light! He knows that my sister is somehow upset of the confrontation that is why my father brought up the issue; though she was not present. Since my sister told me her side so I was playing speaker of the house that time. My being speaker turned everything into a waterfall- pouring scenario. Instead hers, it was my biggest guilt unleashed. My father started telling me how painful it was for a parent not to provide his children with what they need. How insulting it was that somebody else is paying their education because he just can’t. But never equally painful when I said it in front of my mother’s face.

 

I was totally ashamed of being reminded of what I have done. I was looking at my father saying it with tears pouring from his eyes full of disappointment. That is one of the very rare moments that we see him like that. Beside him standing is mom who said she has forgiven me even before the conversation started. She is also crying. But maybe I have not forgiven my self. I can’t even move my lips to say something. I can’t even embrace mom to tell her how sorry I was. I was so sorry seeing the eye of a proud parent transformed into eyes of dismay. I cried and at last found courage to say the word that I should have said after mom accidentally hit my things and unintentionally destroy them. At last I was able to speak out the word that I should have said immediately after I told her “you can’t value these things because you are not the one who bought it for me it is through my scholarship”.

 

I know I sinned but I learned!

 

Through this experience I was able to discover what I truly want. I know what makes me happy. It is seeing my parents being truly proud of me. It is also seeing them happy of what I am doing with my life. With that, I continually soar high fulfilling all their unachieved dreams. I am honored and grateful to be one of the heirs fulfilling this quest.

 

I once fell down, who did not? What is important is I am slowly putting the pieces back: admitted things that must be admitted and said the words that must be said.

 

Once again I am sorry for all my short comings and I love you ma and pa.

By: Chester